My acupuncturist asked me recently to recall the happiest time of my life and when I insisted that I had never been as happy as I am right now, he looked quite amazed and asked me why. I replied that it has taken a huge amount of work and self-realisation to totally believe in myself and now I wake up every morning full of joy. I used not to understand what joy really felt like. I’d certainly known happy times but the ability to actually define the word joy always eluded me. Of course, there are still things that make me sad, but now I can set the intention to experience joy, I am able to cope with all sorts of emotions.
Robin admitted that as the first son of a Chinese family, he was always made to feel special, so it hasn’t been easy for him to understand the Lyn he has been treating for about ten years now. He has helped me overcome sciatica, nerve pain, torn tendons and when Mick died, he even tenderly treated my grief. Yet he could never really get to the bottom of why I closed my heart off so much. I will always be grateful for the help he has given me over the years and hopefully, now that the new Lyn has emerged, he may understand what has been holding me back.
I’ve mentioned before that last year was a watershed moment for me when I had the choice of really giving up or making a last dash to the post. My kids found it amusing when one night in the midst of a great deal of pain, I said to myself, “I think I will die tonight.” I really thought that it might be the right time. But then I remembered that my bathroom was a bit of a mess and there was lots of unfinished business, so I decided that maybe I wouldn’t die tonight. I can laugh now but it didn’t feel funny at the time.
Then it was time for me to make up my mind about my future. I could never be one to sit in a rocking chair and knit socks. Sometimes I wish I was, but I have always known I must fulfil my reason for being here. So, in my meditations, I began asking for more guidance. I asked for people to come into my life who could point me in the right direction. Suddenly and unexpectedly, the right people were there before me and it has been so amazing. I was introduced to Mardy Penrose through David Laws the Flower Man. Neither of us at that moment were aware of where this journey would take us. Mardy has a special, and very unique gift of drawing from people an understanding about themselves and what steps they have to take to fulfil their purpose.
It has been an amazing journey coupled with Michelle Gratton’s journey through ‘The Soul’s Apprenticeship’. I cannot believe that I feel I have been set free from the chains that have bound me all my life. It is a familiar story for so many. We have traced my life long habit of ‘playing small’ back to my childhood when I was taught not to think too highly of myself. This was always my fear and when my first book was published in 1998, my father said to me, “I bask in your reflected glory, but don’t show your sisters as it might make them feel inferior.” I will be writing more about the huge transition that has set me free. There will be no more playing small, I know what I have to offer and there will be nothing holding me back. I now completely understand the words in Marianne Williamson’s inspired poem:
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine.”